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Humor

In Focus: Soaring U.S. Divorce Rate Blamed On Local 11-Year-Old

The Onion - Mon, 03/15/2010 - 10:15am

WASHINGTON, DC--The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services released a 275-page report Monday blaming the increasing failure rate of American marriages on Clearwater, FL, 11-year-old Tommy Breyer.

Categories: Humor

Sports: Pretentious Selection Committee Member Thinks Only 6 Teams Deserve Spots In NCAA Tournament

The Onion - Mon, 03/15/2010 - 8:48am

INDIANAPOLIS—Following hours of heated deliberation, pretentious selection committee member Doug Fullerton remained adamant Saturday that only six teams had truly earned a spot in the 2010 men's NCAA basketball tournament.

Categories: Humor

Laser Pointer Aimed Toward Space In 1997 Finally Annoying Planet 13 Light-Years Away

The Onion - Mon, 03/15/2010 - 8:00am

ZORAXION CITY, IMPERIAL HOMEWORLD—A laser pointer directed at the night sky by a young human in 1997 has finally reached the home planet of...

Categories: Humor

Lesbian Teen Suing School Over Prom

The Onion - Mon, 03/15/2010 - 7:36am

A Mississippi high school senior is filing suit against her local school board, which canceled its prom after she challenged its policy against...

Categories: Humor

Marijuana Use Triples Among Gary

The Onion - Mon, 03/15/2010 - 7:17am

COLUMBUS, OH—Department of Health and Human Services researchers are attributing the spike in cannabis consumption among 26-year-old Gary to a number of troubling factors, including Gary-related underemployment, decreased motivation, and prolonged exposure to Josh.

Categories: Humor

[audio] Christian Rockers Deny Kicking Ass

The Onion - Sun, 03/14/2010 - 8:21am

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Categories: Humor

Sports: NHL, NASCAR To Punish Carl Edwards For Hit On Bruins' Marc Savard

The Onion - Sat, 03/13/2010 - 9:44am

BOSTON—NASCAR and the National Hockey League announced Wednesday they would punish Sprint Cup driver Carl Edwards for hitting Boston center Marc Savard with his No. 99 Ford Fusion stock car late in the third period...

Categories: Humor

Racial Slur Development Not Keeping Pace With Mixed-Race Births, Nation's Bigots Report

The Onion - Sat, 03/13/2010 - 8:00am

WASHINGTON—"The time has come for our ugly, intolerant rhetoric to step into the 21st century. Our disgusting, dehumanizing slurs simply must reflect the terrifying new global society we now live in," said American Racists and Bigots Council chairman Tom Branson.

Categories: Humor

Bandai Recalls Lady Gaga

The Onion - Fri, 03/12/2010 - 1:32pm

News In Photos

Categories: Humor

Sports: 'She's Probably A Money-Hungry Liar,' Extremely Nervous Steelers Fans Report

The Onion - Fri, 03/12/2010 - 1:00pm

PITTSBURGH—In the wake of sexual assault allegations made against Ben Roethlisberger by a Georgia college student, nervous Steelers fans across the nation speculated that the supposed victim was most likely a conniving harpy...

Categories: Humor

In Focus: Bishop Sick Of Local Church Scene

The Onion - Fri, 03/12/2010 - 12:31pm

SACRAMENTO, CA—Bishop Robert K. Boland of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Sacramento announced Monday that, although he remains a devoted servant of God and the Catholic Church, he has become tired of the same old church scene.

Categories: Humor

Authorities Investigating Suicide Determine Victim Really Went For It

The Onion - Fri, 03/12/2010 - 9:02am

HAVERFORD, PA—Officials investigating the tragic suicide of local man Thomas Ingraham told reporters Tuesday they have determined that the...

Categories: Humor

Massa Insinuates He Was Forced Out

The Onion - Fri, 03/12/2010 - 8:30am

After resigning amidst allegations of sexual harassment, former Rep. Eric Massa (D-NY) told Larry King and Glenn Beck that he was targeted by the...

Categories: Humor

Sports: 'What The Fuck Am I Going To Do With This?' Obama Says While Holding Alabama Jersey

The Onion - Fri, 03/12/2010 - 8:02am

News In Photos

Categories: Humor

Sports: Stan Van Gundy Gives Players 'Dr. BBQ's Big-Time Barbecue Cookbook' To Read During Road Trip

The Onion - Fri, 03/12/2010 - 8:00am

ORLANDO, FL—Continuing a tradition that stretches back to his early years with the Miami Heat, Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy routinely presents his players with classic barbecue cookbooks to inspire them and provide insights during road trips.

Categories: Humor

Our 'NCIS' Spec Script Issue

The Onion - Fri, 03/12/2010 - 7:30am

Categories: Humor

[audio] Sea-Going Turtle Under Fire For Egg Abandonment

The Onion - Thu, 03/11/2010 - 7:30pm

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Categories: Humor

Man On Internet Almost Falls Into World Of DIY Mustard Enthusiasts

The Onion - Thu, 03/11/2010 - 1:00pm

DES MOINES, IA—Only when Steve Gibson started getting enraged by mustard-related issues did he realize he had become entangled in a dense, thickening web of mustard obsession. "I saw my wife put French's mustard on a bologna sandwich and I just lost control," he said.

Categories: Humor

In Focus: Nation To Be Tested For Scoliosis Friday

The Onion - Thu, 03/11/2010 - 11:46am

WASHINGTON, DC--In a mandatory, nationwide health initiative many Americans are dreading, all U.S. citizens will be tested for scoliosis Friday.

Categories: Humor

Opinion: I Didn't Spend 6 Weeks In A Medical License Reinstatement Ethics Class To Have You Call Me 'Mister' (by Dr. Trent Berstyn)

The Onion - Thu, 03/11/2010 - 10:00am

It's tragic how people treat doctors in this day and age. The lack of respect for the education and training medical professionals go through,...

Categories: Humor

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In Focus: Soaring U.S. Divorce Rate Blamed On Local 11-Year-Old

Sports: Pretentious Selection Committee Member Thinks Only 6 Teams Deserve Spots In NCAA Tournament

Laser Pointer Aimed Toward Space In 1997 Finally Annoying Planet 13 Light-Years Away

Lesbian Teen Suing School Over Prom

Marijuana Use Triples Among Gary

[audio] Christian Rockers Deny Kicking Ass

Sports: NHL, NASCAR To Punish Carl Edwards For Hit On Bruins' Marc Savard

Racial Slur Development Not Keeping Pace With Mixed-Race Births, Nation's Bigots Report

Bandai Recalls Lady Gaga

Sports: 'She's Probably A Money-Hungry Liar,' Extremely Nervous Steelers Fans Report

In Focus: Bishop Sick Of Local Church Scene

Authorities Investigating Suicide Determine Victim Really Went For It

Massa Insinuates He Was Forced Out

Sports: 'What The Fuck Am I Going To Do With This?' Obama Says While Holding Alabama Jersey

Sports: Stan Van Gundy Gives Players 'Dr. BBQ's Big-Time Barbecue Cookbook' To Read During Road Trip

Our 'NCIS' Spec Script Issue

[audio] Sea-Going Turtle Under Fire For Egg Abandonment

Man On Internet Almost Falls Into World Of DIY Mustard Enthusiasts

In Focus: Nation To Be Tested For Scoliosis Friday

Opinion: I Didn't Spend 6 Weeks In A Medical License Reinstatement Ethics Class To Have You Call Me 'Mister' (by Dr. Trent Berstyn)

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