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“Obama knows nothing of our Russian compassion,” said Mr. Putin, as the former KGB boss suckled a rescued puppy at the bosom of his pet tiger. “The Olympic tourists disturbed our beloved freedom dogs, some of which ran far away, to Crimea.”
The Russian leader warned Mr. Obama to “stand down,” and stop threatening, because his forces would “remain in Ukraine until every last wandering dog is repatriated to the Fatherland.”
A Kremlin spokesman later added that Russian troops would also bring water back to Sochi, “water that is the color of clear.”
“I’ve grown concerned recently that gay people are not receiving the kind of attention they should from the federal government,” said Holder. “We don’t know for a fact that government policy excludes gay people, but the seriousness of the allegation is sufficient to merit additional funding and staffing to ensure that both civil rights and civil constraints are equally applicable to all.”
The Attorney General said federal recognition of gay marriages is the keystone in an “equitable-compliance” regimen.
“Once we register gay marriages in our database,” Holder said. “we can make sure that heterosexuals aren’t being favored with more IRS audits, for example. And gay people should also know that the NSA listens to their concerns, as well as to other details of their lives. Your federal government is there for you.”
An unnamed spokesman for the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) community praised Holder’s “long overdue” statement, noting that without an explicit mandate, government agencies may have inadvertently neglected to give the same level of attention to LGBT persons as it has to people still clinging to what he/she called “legacy sexual identity” (LSI).
“It’s an issue of fairness and compliance,” the spokesman said. “We simply want to ensure that the government doesn’t discriminate in its delivery of comprehensive monitoring and aggressive regulation just because of who you love.”
“As he has mentioned, President Obama has a pen, so he wrote the speech,” said an unnamed administration source, “and then he stood up from his desk and delivered the stirring address to a handful of White House aides, Secret Service agents and a cleaning crew late Sunday night.”
Under the Constitution, the president is not required to give a speech, but merely to report to Congress from time to time on “the State of Union” and to recommend any measures he thinks appropriate.
“Although the president is naturally reluctant to take a literalist view of the Constitution,” the source said, “in this case, it suits his personal objectives in dealing with this do-nothing Congress. Why bother with all the ceremony and the humiliating prospect of asking them to pass laws, when he can just seize the moment and get stuff done.”
Speaker of the House John Boehner called Obama’s failure to deliver a lengthy speech before the joint session of Congress “highly unusual,” but acknowledged that Obama “just saved me about three nicotine patches.”
“Dr. King had a dream,” Obama told the countless dozens of spectators in attendance. “Many think that dream was fulfilled at my swearing-in ceremony. Others believe my reelection was the zenith of the civil rights movement. Debating that question is above my pay grade, but I do think it’s too early to pick a specific date for the Barack Obama national holiday.”
Nevertheless, Obama noted in passing that his August 4th birthday “falls nicely between Independence Day and Labor Day.”
In a prepared speech, delivered from a temporary platform a few feet above the head of the King statue near the National Mall, Obama also counseled “watchful patience” with the slow pace of work at the National Park Service in planning the Obama head on Mt. Rushmore.
“It may be a simple matter of geological engineering challenges,” Obama said, “but we can’t rule out that it’s part of the ongoing struggle for which Dr. King gave his life. Do not fear. We shall overcome.”
After the ceremony, the Park Service said it had already begun to bronze the platform to commemorate the historic Obama speech.
In the interview, Obama said marijuana use was “less dangerous” than alcohol “in terms of its impact on the individual consumer.”
In an effort to clarify, the White House this morning released a list of potentially-negative side effects of the drug Obama admits he used in his youth.
“The president doesn’t want to give the impression that his historic experimentation with marijuana implies he condones it for young people,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney. “He has told his own daughters he thinks it’s a ‘bad habit,’ and has said that if he had a son who looked like Trayvon Martin, he would counsel his boy that pot smoking is ‘a waste of time,’ and ‘not very healthy.’”
Critics suggested the president was less than clear and forceful, so this morning the White House released the following list of potentially harmful long-term side-effects of recreational marijuana usage.
“President Obama wants American kids to know that frequent marijuana usage can lead to…
The White House retracted the list later in the morning, noting that the president didn’t recall approving its release.
Administration spokesman Jay Carney said the Labor Department report “should buoy the stock market because 74,000 new jobs represents a full 37 percent of expected job creation.” However, he acknowledged “even that impressive number can go higher if we do more to reduce expectations.”
In the official White House news release, President Obama said, “Jobs are a key part of my economic plan, and I’m happy to report that most people have one.”
Carney credited President Obama’s policies for the “economic surge,” but admitted that the president hasn’t done enough yet persuade the Labor Department to reduce the official labor force number so that the unemployment figure can come down even further.
“Reducing the size of the work force is the key to reducing the unemployment number,” Carney said. “But the president can’t be blamed for the dearth of discouraged people dropping out. I think everyone agrees the president is doing all he can to discourage them.”
Doing so inspired Obama to fire the entire executive branch of the federal government this morning for the same reasons.
“I was going to be more deliberate, and review each cabinet officer, department head and staffer on a case-by-case basis,” said Obama, “but that would take a long time, and end up with the same result if I’m using honesty and integrity as the standards.”
The president arrived 45 minutes late to a scheduled 11 a.m. news conference, saying he was delayed due to the need to perform tasks he inherited from terminated staffers, including picking out his own clothing, preparing his own breakfast, and reviewing the IRS records of countless dozens of insurance applicants from HealthCare.gov.
“Unscientific Americans fail to comprehend why man-made warming causes extreme cooling,” said White House science adviser Dr. John Holdren. “So these same ignorant folks will be stunned when massive herds of endangered polar bears swarm neighborhoods from Maine to Texas.”
Holdren explained that as global warming melts polar ice flows, bears have no floating platforms from which to hunt the ocean. With all that extra downtime, many of them mate voraciously, and give birth to multiple litters of cubs, who, lacking food, will migrate toward the protein-rich garbage cans of suburban Americans.
“Within just a few years,” Holdren said, “you’ll be able to walk from Philadelphia to Dallas on the backs of polar bears…that is, if you haven’t already been slain by a ravening famished pack of them.”
“You think it was ugly when a couple of access lanes got closed near the bridge to New York City,” the pugnacious presumptive presidential hopeful snarled, “wait until it takes three hours to post your selfie.”
The allegations that Fort Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich got punished with four days of traffic disruptions for his refusal to endorse Christie’s re-election last year appeared to shatter the governor’s reputation as prickly-but-honest — a man above partisan politics.
Within hours of the Bergen Record’s revelation of snarky emails between a Christie staffer and a political appointee, politicians and pundits, smelling blood in the water, lined up at microphones to herald the end of the Christie integrity myth.
“It’s not that people expect better behavior from politicians,” said one unnamed political consultant, “It’s that they can’t stand a hypocrite. That’s why I advise my clients to avoid establishing a track record of plain speaking and honorable behavior. It’s much easier to surprise them with occasional honesty and integrity, than to maintain admirable character over the long haul.”
The revelation came shortly after Obama made remarks on the state of the economy yesterday, while standing before a backdrop of unemployed people who have been left behind by the recovery.
By leaking the memo, the administration sought to “assure middle-class Americans that no option is off the table in the president’s war on income inequality,” according to an administration official who was authorized to speak while preserving plausible deniability for the president.
“Everyone knows that nobody knows how find jobs for the millions bypassed by the Obama recovery,” the unnamed source said. “But the president understands that if you can’t close the income gap from the bottom up, you can certainly do it from the top down.”
Former Alaska Gov. Palin immediately took to Facebook to acknowledge that she initially welcomed the opportunity.
“There’s always fuel in the helo,” Palin wrote, “I’ve got Ted Nugent on speed dial, and we’re locked and loaded.”
However, Palin said her enthusiasm for the project waned when she realized the location was Wall Street, noting, “I thought they said K Street.”
“Phil Robertson’s drunkaphobic, idolaphobic and adulteraphobic attitudes have no place on the public airwaves,” according to an unnamed spokesman for a coalition of oppressed groups. “Robertson’s distortions of the Bible would have people believe that God condemns lifestyles that our members find satisfying.”
The source said most Americans have come to understand and accept that drunkenness, idolatry and marital infidelity are not mere behavioral choices, but fundamental aspects of personality that make each human unique and special.
“Why would a loving God want to deprive his people of the pleasure of just being who they are,” he said. “A&E should cancel ‘Duck Dynasty’ until Phil Robertson recants, and rejects his chosen lifestyle as a religious bigot.”
The White House said newly-pardoned “imminent offenders” will be allowed to purchase sub-standard plans, or to continue without health insurance through 2014, and to perform 40 hours of community service to atone for their “crimes of omission.”
Although the federal government will officially view the pardon recipients as full citizens, “with all rights customarily conferred upon them by the executive branch,” nevertheless, the stigma might be tough to shake.
“Let’s face it,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney. “These people were about to violate a federal law, so their neighbors might be justifiably wary of them.”
The president emphasizes that there’s little likely threat to public safety, but encourages all law-abiding citizens to “take the ordinary precautions of locking doors, and of keeping an eye on your children until all your neighbors have fully obeyed the Affordable Care Act.”
“There are no bigger fans of Duck Dynasty than Michele and me,” Obama said. “And while I have my disagreements with Mr. Robertson’s views on homosexuality, as expressed in GQ magazine, I’ll defend with my last breath Robertson’s right to express those views.”
The White House acknowledged that the private company has the right to fire Robertson for expressing his opinion, based on the Bible, that homosexuality is one kind of sin among many.
“But the president felt compelled to speak out,” said press secretary Jay Carney, “because his silence might be perceived as assent among his many entertainment industry supporters who hold freedom of expression in the highest esteem.”
Indeed, the Screen Actors Guild, Writers Guild of America and dozens of A-list movie and TV stars issued news releases or held press conferences echoing the president’s call to let Robertson return to the highest-rated show in the history of cable television.
“A chill wind is blowing in this nation,” said actor-director Tim Robbins. “It’s great to see President Obama speaking out against ideological intimidation that masquerades as tolerance and diversity.”
(2013-12-17) — Organizing for Action (OFA) today announced that it will boost the rolls of the insured under ObamaCare by making the president’s signature health insurance law an “opt-out” feature for millions of young Americans already in its Obama campaign donor database.
“The best thing is, these new health insurance customers don’t have to do anything to join,” according to a confidential internal OFA memo. “If a donor gave $3 to the campaign at any time since 2008, he opted-in to ObamaCare. Of course, anyone can opt out at any time, with 12-24 months notice.”
The group had spent millions of dollars promoting ObamaCare to the younger generation with little success, when organizers suddenly realized the solution was right under their noses.
“It was like we were wearing the ruby slippers and didn’t realize their power,” said one unnamed OFA official.
“We have this massive donor list of young people who already agree with President Obama and who want him to succeed, and we already have their credit card numbers and PayPal debit agreements,” she said. “So, we’re just going to cross-reference that with the NSA and IRS lists, sign them up for ObamaCare, and hope enough of them don’t opt out to keep the plan afloat–at least through November.”
“Millions of young Americans watch the countdown in Times Square,” said press secretary Jay Carney. “The president thinks it’s a great way to visually connect and to let them know that enrolling at HealthCare.gov is hip, it’s happening, it’s now.”
Carney added that Obama hopes that “young people certainly don’t miss the symbolism as the glittering orb descends from its lofty perch and is subsumed in the melee of humanity below.”
Unconfirmed reports last month indicated that the president would name HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius as “the official ball dropper,” but that he changed his mind after HealthCare.gov “started virtually functioning for the vast minority of users.”
The sponsorship decision has already paid off, according to ABC-TV, which announced that New Year’s Eve show host Dick Clark, 84, decided to enroll in ObamaCare because “I can’t be declined due to preexisting conditions.”
The President reportedly sent Mr. Clark a handwritten thank-you note, like the ones he has mailed to each enrollee so far.
“Mission Accomplished,” said press secretary Jay Carney. “The president commanded the tech surge that dealt with dozens of bugs, and hit his target date. So now Americans won’t be hindered by glitches from getting exactly what he believes they’ve got coming to them.”
Positive public reaction was nearly immediate, with expressions of gratitude and congratulations flooding in from NPR, MSNBC, CNN and other Americans who had grown concerned about the impact of the website problems on the president’s popularity.
“This is B.S.,” said one Wisconsin man who “left a comfortable bed to come out to the mall in the cold weather” but failed to witness a single incident of retail violence.
“It’s nothing but a bunch of people looking for discounted merchandise and then standing in line forever,” he said. “I should have stayed home and watched ESPN.”
Another man stomped out of his local Wal-Mart in disgust after “three hours of waiting for someone to throw an elbow or knock a widow to the linoleum, or something. Bunch of pansies!”
A spokesman for the American Federation of Retailers said its members did all they could to create bottlenecks in doorways, to narrow the space between racks and shelving, and offer to come-on pricing for items barely in stock.
“We can’t be blamed if tens of millions of people didn’t get hurt and didn’t hurt anyone else,” the retailing official said. “You can lead a shopper to bargains, but you can’t make her snap.”
Police say they don’t know who started the fight among the bleary-eyed early-morning shoppers, drawn en masse to the site by advertising come-ons that promised unbelievably cheap, or even free health coverage.
“Someone threw an elbow near the security questions,” said an unnamed police spokesman. “Everybody’s so tense in there already–what with the tremendous bargains and all. Next thing you know, panic sets in, grandma goes down and somebody’s stepping on her rib-cage.”
A White House spokesman called for calm during these exciting early days of ObamaCare when people can hardly believe their good fortune, and fear that demand will outstrip supply.
The spokesman added, “All Americans can take comfort in knowing that those Black Friday shoppers, regardless of preexisting internal injuries, contusions, or shattered limbs, can still get bargain-basement prices on health care…eventually.”
(2013-11-28) — To mark Thanksgiving Day, President Obama today sent an open letter to the American people, which is reproduced here in its entirety.
My Fellow Americans,
This is the day when families of all varieties gather around the table and give thanks for the great blessings they enjoy due to the beneficent mercy of an all-powerful, all-knowing and compassionate Higher Power. They express gratitude for the food before them, the clothing they wear, the health they enjoy, and the checks that keep coming to provide it all.
The actions of the Almighty may seem mysterious, but most Americans submit humbly to the purposes of the One who holds their future — the One who knows more about them than anyone at that table does. They bow their heads to exalt the One who hears what they say in private moments, who reads their most intimate thoughts, and who, ultimately, judges them.
So, as you gather with loved ones to give collective voice to your inexhaustible gratitude, let me express my thoughts in these simple words…
Barack H. Obama
According to researchers, drivers interacting with children in the car are 12 times more likely to take their attention from the road than are drivers using cell phones, creating a potentially-deadly hazard to other motorists and pedestrians.
“As a father,” President Obama told reporters, “I am, of course, aware of the dangers posed by children in cars. I’m pleased to award this grant to NARAL Pro-Choice America, an organization that knows more about child hazards than any other, and more importantly, that shares my commitment to wiping out these threats to safe driving.”
The president said he issued the grant by executive order, “due to the clear and present danger, and because we all know that Republicans in Congress would stall legislation on partisan ideological grounds, even though every 15 minutes a car accident stops a beating heart.”